I used to be a procrastinator, then I traded that dysfunction for a hyperactive drive to get all my shit done like yesterday or else I feel like my hair is on fire. Therefore I wish certain authoritative people wouldn’t tell me that they have major project notes for me on the most important thing I’ve ever worked on, but they’re not gonna give me them until tomorrow, while I’m sitting here absolutely jacked to the gills on asthma medication.
I really wanted to come down to the brewery and just stare into the middle distance for a little bit but my brain is all scrambled with search-and-destroy task targeting signals and now I’m just fritzing out. I’m *about to* host a panel after a sold out screening at a film festival involving people who I either love or who are actually famous (not a “real job” but it could lead to things). I’m *about to* take on more responsibility and a new format at the horror academia thing that employs me (basically volunteer, not a “real job”, but potentially a bigger stipend). I’m *about to* get what I hope is the last round of notes on my Big Secret Project so we can move it into the hands of some major league executives who could possibly, finally make stuff happen (not a “real job” until someone decides to start paying me for it). I NEED to move out of my death trap apartment. I NEED to get a real job, or at least to get paid for one or more of my things to roughly the tune of a real job. But I can’t stop doing the things I’m doing while people are allowing me to do them. Although maybe that’s the wrong mindset. I always see myself as trying to fit into other people’s situations. I may need to start thinking of myself as CREATING situations, even if that’s not the whole truth. Seeing yourself as the author of your own life can be hard and many of us never figure it out, but I’m pretty sure it’s worth the thought experiment, at the very least.