Month: May 2011

I wander when I read and stop for a few minutes to think about other things. Important only to me. Things I should be doing to live up to my own responsible self-image: organize, get insurances and licenses, search for proof that I am a vaccinated member of society. I will not die like the Indians when exposed. I am so tired of sitting and driving, I’m going to walk for weeks. There is a tent pitched among the boxes in my living room, which I cleaned at a car wash to ensure there would be no dirt and plant bits. The decadent rooms I stayed in had far more furniture than my entire apartment. I need another bookcase. A jacuzzi was nice. I wanted a shower. All of the things I prefer to do and have done while standing or perhaps forcefully kneeling, as if I prepare to make a quick getaway. Looking out the window, I rub my cock beneath my shorts, like an innocent child absent-mindedly exploring his genitals. It always gets hard and then there is nothing innocent about what I do, or completely innocent and natural, depending on my point of view. I see many of them before I decide.

This writing wears me out. This interest in me, it wears me out, and I read some more.

I wander when I read and stop for a few minutes to think about other things. Important only to me. Things I should be doing to live up to my own responsible self-image: organize, get insurances and licenses, search for proof that I am a vaccinated member of society. I will not die like the Indians when exposed. I am so tired of sitting and driving, I’m going to walk for weeks. There is a tent pitched among the boxes in my living room, which I cleaned at a car wash to ensure there would be no dirt and plant bits. The decadent rooms I stayed in had far more furniture than my entire apartment. I need another bookcase. A jacuzzi was nice. I wanted a shower. All of the things I prefer to do and have done while standing or perhaps forcefully kneeling, as if I prepare to make a quick getaway. Looking out the window, I rub my cock beneath my shorts, like an innocent child absent-mindedly exploring his genitals. It always gets hard and then there is nothing innocent about what I do, or completely innocent and natural, depending on my point of view. I see many of them before I decide.

This writing wears me out. This interest in me, it wears me out, and I read some more.

The path of peace is relegated to monks whose distance and isolation is too far removed from the realities of life on this planet to be a viable option. Their peace is not everyone’s peace. I am seeing that peace is a far more staccato concept than we generally care to accept. There is no everlasting. World peace seems more quaint by the day. We grow more numerous and less restrained as a species. Cadavers pile up as we adamantly protect our marked territories or relegate the weak members to the lowest levels of the pack. To starve, to ultimately die. There is no great predator to devour us save for us.

It is left to the individual to chart a course in this life and to accept the moments of peace that come with it. Peace must be forced into being but not clung to. Welcomed and adored, yet not imprisoned. Allowed to come and go as we grapple with the forces at work for us and against. It does not last unless we accept it.

In this life things can become more complicated than they need to be. There is no escape, even for the careless and indifferent. Freedom in this moment can be cruel bondage in the next. For this reason, it is important to contrast the silences with the cacophony and learn to discern the difference. It is the only path I see toward finding significant peace. And, perhaps, love.

The path of peace is relegated to monks whose distance and isolation is too far removed from the realities of life on this planet to be a viable option. Their peace is not everyone’s peace. I am seeing that peace is a far more staccato concept than we generally care to accept. There is no everlasting. World peace seems more quaint by the day. We grow more numerous and less restrained as a species. Cadavers pile up as we adamantly protect our marked territories or relegate the weak members to the lowest levels of the pack. To starve, to ultimately die. There is no great predator to devour us save for us.

It is left to the individual to chart a course in this life and to accept the moments of peace that come with it. Peace must be forced into being but not clung to. Welcomed and adored, yet not imprisoned. Allowed to come and go as we grapple with the forces at work for us and against. It does not last unless we accept it.

In this life things can become more complicated than they need to be. There is no escape, even for the careless and indifferent. Freedom in this moment can be cruel bondage in the next. For this reason, it is important to contrast the silences with the cacophony and learn to discern the difference. It is the only path I see toward finding significant peace. And, perhaps, love.

It was all I could do to keep myself from living forever.

It was all I could do to keep myself from living forever.

There’s a place on Geary called… I don’t remember the name, but it’s in the middle of a Chinese district, up a ways from Golden Gate Park. If you get there early you buy PBR for a dollar and watch the television that shows old kung-fu movies while you wait for the place to fill. If you’re smart you claim a couch and get comfortable. Face the door and watch people file in, often in twos but sometimes less or more. Just watch them. If you get through the night and see even one grin I’ll buy you a beer.

There’s a place on Geary called… I don’t remember the name, but it’s in the middle of a Chinese district, up a ways from Golden Gate Park. If you get there early you buy PBR for a dollar and watch the television that shows old kung-fu movies while you wait for the place to fill. If you’re smart you claim a couch and get comfortable. Face the door and watch people file in, often in twos but sometimes less or more. Just watch them. If you get through the night and see even one grin I’ll buy you a beer.