Returned from the bathroom and approached the side of the bed. It was dark, since I’d kept my eyes shut as I urinated. Could make nothing out except her silhouette against the far side, pressed tightly against the wall. She was curled up in the fetal position. It’s how she always slept, never stretched out or on her back. Could feel her back moving, then hear her sobbing. Ran my hand along her matted hair, stretched my arm over her shoulder—did what I always did to show her I’m there.
Then we talked.
“Hey. What is it?”
“All you do now is call me those names.”
“But you said you like it.”
“I said it’s okay if you’re into it, but it’s become worse.”
“What did I do wrong?”
“It’s what you always do. All you ever want to do is treat me like some woman you picked up on the corner. I feel filthy after sex. I do everything you want and you never show any tenderness. You leave me lying here the way you dump a used condom in the trash can.”
“Jesus Christ, what? Where did this come from?”
“It’s been here all along. You haven’t been paying attention.”
“I don’t… condom? What?”
“I just don’t like it anymore. It isn’t a turn-on.”
“Yea, but… I mean, should I remain silent? Groan endlessly?”
“Don’t play dumb. I’d just like something else. Something more nice, and caring. A man who treats me well and doesn’t think of me as his whore. I’d like you to show me that you love me.”
“Christ. You know I care. What’s it matter what I call you during sex?”
“I don’t know that you do. You practically ignore me when we’re not in bed. It matters and you don’t seem to care at all. You said you’d try…”
“If this is what you think then why are you with me? If we’re so different why are you bothering with me?”
“God, just… forget it. Go to sleep.”
“You want to change me, then? Huh?”
“I want to be comfortable with you! I want to feel like you care, like you want to be with me for more than fucking.”
“I don’t know what this is, but you know I care. You’re being ridiculous.”
“And you’re a child. I’m starting to think that you really don’t know. You can’t even tell me now, can you?”
“Tell you what? That I’ll change for you?”
“No, and stop saying that. I don’t want a different man. Just show me you’re capable of love.”
“You want me to care? I can care. I can treat you like a princess. Like you’re a goddamn china doll. But you need to know that if I do that, I won’t go back. I will not go back.”
“You don’t understand what I’m saying.”
“What, then? What do you want?”
“You know what I want.”
“What? Tell me what?”
“I want you to say it. Say it.”