You might have heard of the story of La Llorona. She is a wandering spirit, condemned to an afterlife of wandering the streets of the living world after drowning her children to be with the man she loved. She appears from the ocean and weeps through towns in search of children to replace her lost ones. It is the cost of sacrifice. She chose one love over another and paid for it in misery. Could she have known that her sacrifice, her dear loss, would result in a plight of eternal suffering? Of course not. Such things are only revealed in hindsight, and even then only when one’s eyes are opened and guilt is allowed to dig into the core of one’s being.
The lesson of La Llorona is probably not to trust men who promise great things. It is probably a good lesson.
Angela once told me I should find myself a tolerant woman. It was in reference to the beard that is now perpetually cushioning my kisses. It also applies to everything that I am. Possessive, loving, crass, obsessive, objective, silent, verbose, supportive, lustful, patient, demanding, mellow… If I am consistent it is in my inconsistent approach to relationships. In short, I want it all, and hide nothing—not anymore. To openly demand someone’s secrets is haughty business, and I engage in it wholeheartedly. People fear not the revelation of their secrets, but the reaction to them.
I don’t need most people. I’ve learned to be sufficient and supportive of my own endeavors, to the dismay of many people who try and maintain acquaintance with me. But I am also not inclined to be alone. I desire a partner, a good woman, and I am so specific in my pursuit that when I meet someone who fits into my life I become vulnerable. It is difficult to feel this exposure, but it is honest, and I value that in my interactions with people. I know that much. This newly developed pursuit of honesty is something I will sacrifice for no one. I see no other way to get something beautiful out of this world.
So I give, and I take. I risk wandering in search of one. This is how it’s done.