I wish octopus could learn how to read. They could be pen pals with middle schoolers.
Dearest Samantha,
I do not know what a guinea pig is, but it sounds delicious. I hope you have fun devouring it, or playing with it, if that is your preference. Today I hacked a local computer to get more bubbles in my tank and took a photograph of an unsuspecting victim. Do let me know how your human activities are going. And if this “Karen” continues to antagonize your brother, I would suggest smacking her very hard. And do send more canned snacks.
Best Wishes,
Octopus #5, Monterrey bay research aquarium