There is suspicion in my thoughts. My gut tells me things, at moments like this, at home, in the dark, after a day of work and reflections on stray thoughts. It warns me about who I trust. It tells me something isn’t right in my life. Doubt stems from uncertainty. The cycles between realizations are becoming shorter and shorter, as is the recovery time. I believe that this is how a life works.
The notion sprung into my mind in a meeting this afternoon.
I do not care.
We prattled on about process and upward mobility. Theresa was bubbly, John reiterated his corporate ambition, Nabil was insightful, and Ryan waited for the meeting to end. If I weren’t the stickler for getting things done I would’ve joined him in silence. Instead, I took notes, chimed in from time to time. I am in charge, after all. Somehow I am always in charge.
I see this a lot these days. Those of us who have been doing this for a while become more detached, and less involved in the stress of it all. The more motivated employees might be adept at feigning ambition, if only for steady income, but others begin to fade from the scene. There is only so much challenge in this work. This life. Middle management is notorious for a good reason. It becomes the most draining kind of rut if someone is not ambitious enough to climb ever higher up the ladder for the sake of simply climbing.
For instance: eleven in the morning is not an acceptable start time, and yet I do it because I can. No one dares to call me out. I have established that the work speaks for itself, as it should.
I simply know that I am done climbing this ladder.
What else can I do? What else can I learn?
I’m planning a reset in the desert before I take any immediate action. Lots of water, the tarp for the tent in case it rains. No food. A form of forced physical introspection that I have found to be beneficial. Everything is sharpened by eliminating all but the most immediate thoughts. After the first day I cease to be hungry. By the third day I feel all skin and bone. All thought is minimal and I know what to do.