On Loving a Father, “Those Winter Sundays”

Love
can be an emotion that is not expressed or recognized easily.  There
are many “types” of love, and the comprehension of the word
“love” itself is quite subjective to an individual’s experience
or understanding, but there is perhaps no version of love quite as
unrivaled in it’s complexity than that version which we see in
“Those Winter Sundays” by Robert Hayden – the love between
father and child.  Hayden expresses an adult’s lament for not
recognizing the love of a father when the adult was still a child,
and in his childhood recollection the adult conveys the love that the
father did not explicitly state.

In
the poem the adult tells of a routine that begins with the father
waking up early on Sunday mornings, as he does every morning (“Sunday
too my father got up early”) (Hayden 1), when the “blueblack
cold” (Hayden 2) of the time before dawn is still present in the
house and the adult, then a child, is still asleep.  We learn that
the father works a laborious job during the week, coming home with “…
cracked hands that ached / from labor in the weekday weather…”
(Hayden 3-4), and while many people would certainly be content to
alleviate the physical weariness during the weekend, this man chooses
to get out of bed even on the days when he is not at work.

So,
why do it?  Why suffer, as it were, and give up the opportunity to
rest?  In the fourth and fifth lines of that first stanza we are
given a simple explanation for the father braving the cold and his
physical exhaustion: to make “banked fires blaze…” (Hayden 5).
The fire in the fireplace or stove (the means is not specified) must
be tended in order to bring warmth to the household and his child.
The father’s warming the house is seemingly nothing extraordinary,
and some could argue that he does it out of a sense of fatherly duty
rather than a loving affection for the child.  But is fatherly duty
not simply an expression of the love for a father’s children?  The
final sentence in the stanza, “… No one ever thanked him”
(Hayden 5), demonstrates that the adult considered it an important
act that went beyond mere duty – while it is not explicitly stated,
bringing warmth his child is viewed as an act of love.  There is
another such moment of realization on the adult’s part when he
speaks of the father polishing his “…good shoes as well”
(Hayden 12) in the third line of the final stanza.  It is another
seemingly simple part of the routine, and one that most certainly
could have been required of the child, but the father chooses once
again to do it for reasons that the child was unaware of – love.

There
is a more subtle aspect to the routine that is not as delineated when
compared to what is plainly stated in the poem.  The title itself,
“Those Winter Sundays,” is perhaps the biggest hint, but as we
read into the poem there are many supporting terms and lines that
give credence the idea that this father is preparing his child for an
important weekly event: church on Sundays.  In the second and third
lines of the second stanza we read, “When the rooms were warm, he’d
call, / and slowly I would rise and dress…”  What reason could
there be for waking up early on a Sunday morning?  Again, we are not
explicitly told, but the evidence for this is then strengthened when
one considers that the father polished his good shoes.  We are faced
with a child being woken up on a Sunday morning, called by his father
to specifically rise and get dressed, then presented with a freshly
polished pair of good shoes.  It certainly does sound like
preparation for Sunday church.  As is written in the Bible, “Keep
the sabbath day to sanctify it…” (King James Version Deut. 5:12).
This father could very well be preparing his child to attend church,
a tradition that many people around the world believe improves morals
and character, among other positive qualities.  A loving father,
then, would take his child to Sunday church because he cares for the
child and wants to help improve the child’s life.

As
mentioned, when the temperature reached comfortable levels the father
would call to the child to wake up and get dressed.  Hayden’s
persona of the regretful adult conveys waking up to the sound of the
wood in the fire crackling, or as the adult recalls the sound of
“cold splintering, breaking” (Hayden 6), certainly a sharp
contrast to the warmth of a fire.  The vivid description shows how he
perceived the sounds of his father’s early morning labors as a
child.  Following the call the child would rise and get dressed,
slowly and without any particular urgency as the child had a fear of
the “chronic angers of that house” (Hayden 9).  We are never told
what these “angers” could be, but as the only other prominent
character in the poem is the father we can infer that the father
instilled a type of fear in the child.  It is common for children to
fear their father, who is often seen as the stern figure that asserts
authority over his children.  As the French philosopher Joseph
Joubert wrote in his notebooks, “Love and fear.  Everything the
father of a family says must inspire one or the other” (“Joseph
Joubert”), and in this case it appears the father inspired fear.
The father may be performing his fatherly duty by taking care of his
child, but the child is unable to interpret the father’s actions as
symbols of his love, and resorts to “Speaking indifferently to
him…” (Hayden 10).  Thus, the father’s love goes unrecognized.

It
is not until the final stanza of the poem, in the final two lines,
that the adult expresses his feelings about not recognizing the
father’s love until adulthood: “What did I know, what did I know
/ of love’s austere and lonely offices?” (Hayden 13-14).  The
adult’s regret is laid out before us when he asks himself what he
knew, for he was only a child and could not know that all that the
father did for the child was done out of love.  He comes to
understand that love is not as easy to obtain when one is in a high
“office,” or place of authority.  As the authority figure the
father helped his child as best he could, loving him all the while,
but never able to express the love in a manner that the child could
recognize.

Works Cited

The Criswell Study Bible: King James Version.
Ed. W. A. Criswell.  Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1979.

Hayden, Robert.  “Those Winter Sundays.”
Living Literature: An Introduction to
Fiction, Poetry, and Drama.  Ed.
John C. Brereton.  New York: Longman, 2007.  1083.

“Joseph Joubert.”  Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia.  13
Feb 2008, 23:21 UTC.  Wikimedia Foundation, Inc.  24 Mar 2008.
<http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Joseph_Joubert&oldid=191285803>.

The Palatski Man: Harbinger of Adulthood

“The
Palatski Man” by Stuart Dybek presents the loss of innocence as a
catalyst for the maturation into adulthood.  While the phrase “loss
of innocence” may carry with it a negative connotation, it is in a
broader sense the newfound understanding of concepts and realities
that all children must face when on the cusp of adulthood.  Dybek
portrays these concepts and realities through the eyes of a 12
year-old girl, in a story rife with religious symbolism.

Innocence,
by definition, is a “lack of knowledge; ignorance”
(“Merriam-Webster”).  It is through Mary’s eyes that we witness
that lack of understanding and knowledge that generally only exists
in the mind of a child.  The first such moment of innocence appears
in the story as Mary describes receiving the Eucharist from Father
Mike during Sunday mass.  The narrator describes how the Father’s
hand would on occasion brush against her lower lip, causing her to
feel a spark.  A Sister has to inform Mary that what she felt was not
the Holy Spirit, but merely static electricity.  Generally, only a
child would consider such a notion and believe it.  As Mary returns
to her pew the narrator whimsically describes her thoughts as she
holds the host in her mouth – a “warm, wheaty snowflake” that she
“swallows into her soul” (Dybek 72).  Further into the story the
narrator states that Mary “couldn’t bear it if [John] thought she
was a dumb girl” (Dybek 74) in reference to her decision not to
snitch on John’s neighborhood pranks.  The narrator relays these
thoughts in such a way that we cannot help but assume that they
represent how Mary thinks.  They are innocent thoughts, lacking the
deeper understanding that comes with maturity and experience.

It
is also in Mary’s actions that we see how the innocence of a child
can demonstrate a lack of knowledge or understanding.  It is upon
Mary’s insistence that she and her brother John follow the Palatski
Man through parts unknown and to the wheat field that leads to the
Palatski Man’s shanty town.  John remarks more than once that they
should return home, but it is Mary’s playful attitude and pleading
that keeps the pair going.  It is not until they reach a scarecrow in
the field of wheat, covered in crows, that Mary considers turning
back.  When John and Mary are caught and brought to the Palatski Man,
she accepts the red candy apple and palatski that are offered and
eats them both, finding that the palatski now tastes bitter, whereas
John refuses to bite into either treat.  Later, John says “I tried
to stop you,” and “… it might have been poisoned” (Dybek 81).

While
we as the readers are able to discern Mary’s innocence as a child,
we must ask what purpose it serves.  Why is all the information
important, and when does this loss of innocence occur?  The moment of
loss, as one might imagine, is the culmination of the story.  After
the experience in the Palatski Man’s shanty town, John and Mary
return home and are punished by their parents for arriving home late.
Mary lies in bed “feeling the sad, Sunday-night feeling when the
next Monday is morning and the weekend is dying” (Dybek 81), in
other words not only the end of a day but the end of a period of time
(the weekend).  As she tries to remember her nightly prayer Mary is
interrupted by a vision of Gabriel’s wings.  Gabriel, the messenger
of God referred to as St. Gabriel the Archangel in Catholicism, or
the angel of death, appears before individuals to make important
revelations of the future (“Gabriel”).  Mary’s inability to
remember the prayer suggests that something has occurred to alter her
religious views, and the appearance of Gabriel supports that while
Mary still references the religious teachings of her childhood she
now feels that a change is coming.  The revelation coming from an
“angel of death” signifies that something in Mary’s life is
going to die or come to an end.

When
she is unable to return to sleep Mary hears the wind blow and
approaches her window to look outside.  As she gazes at the moon
behind the branches of a bare tree she sees a vision of the
all-important palatski.  It is then that she hears the bell and looks
down to find the Palatski Man, silent as always, surrounded by a
swirl of leaves from an evening wind and offering Mary what else but
a palatski.  Unlike her past tastes of the wafer and honey treat,
Mary has now tasted the bitter palatski offered to her at the
Palatski Man’s shanty town.  The palatski ceases to represent
something good, as it did before when it brought the church and Holy
Spirit to mind, and becomes something to be wary of.  We as the
readers see that Mary gained new knowledge or understanding based on
her experience and going forward will not tread as lightly.  She
retreats to the mirror in her room (the same mirror in which she
attempted to understand motherhood earlier in the story) and looks at
herself, only this time she no longer sees herself as she did before.
Mary’s physical form changes before her very eyes as a result of
puberty, the physical manifestation of adulthood and maturity.  The
sudden physical growth in front of the mirror is perhaps meant to be
more surreal than realistic in its approach, but it nevertheless
serves as a vivid portrayal of Mary’s cathartic moment of
understandings.

When
Mary hears the wind stop and the bell ring once again she accepts the
changes that will occur.  She has a new understanding of what she is
meant to be, an adult, and at that moment we as the readers
experience the loss of her innocence along with her.  We have
experienced childhood through the eyes of a child, and it is at the
conclusion of the story that the child ceases to be.  It is then when
innocence is lost and newfound knowledge and understanding are
gained.

Works Cited

Dybek, Stuart.  “The Palatski Man.”  Living
Literature: An Introduction to Fiction, Poetry, and Drama.
Ed. John C. Brereton.  New York: Longman, 2007.  71-81.

“Gabriel.”  Wikipedia:  The Free
Encyclopedia.  24 Feb 2008.  Wikimedia
Foundation, Inc.  25 February 2008.
<http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Gabriel&oldid=193668849>.

“Innocence.”  Merriam-Webster
Online Dictionary.  2007-2008.
Merriam-Webster, Incorporated.  25 February 2008.  <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/innocence>.

The Palatski Man: Harbinger of Adulthood

“The
Palatski Man” by Stuart Dybek presents the loss of innocence as a
catalyst for the maturation into adulthood.  While the phrase “loss
of innocence” may carry with it a negative connotation, it is in a
broader sense the newfound understanding of concepts and realities
that all children must face when on the cusp of adulthood.  Dybek
portrays these concepts and realities through the eyes of a 12
year-old girl, in a story rife with religious symbolism.

Innocence,
by definition, is a “lack of knowledge; ignorance”
(“Merriam-Webster”).  It is through Mary’s eyes that we witness
that lack of understanding and knowledge that generally only exists
in the mind of a child.  The first such moment of innocence appears
in the story as Mary describes receiving the Eucharist from Father
Mike during Sunday mass.  The narrator describes how the Father’s
hand would on occasion brush against her lower lip, causing her to
feel a spark.  A Sister has to inform Mary that what she felt was not
the Holy Spirit, but merely static electricity.  Generally, only a
child would consider such a notion and believe it.  As Mary returns
to her pew the narrator whimsically describes her thoughts as she
holds the host in her mouth – a “warm, wheaty snowflake” that she
“swallows into her soul” (Dybek 72).  Further into the story the
narrator states that Mary “couldn’t bear it if [John] thought she
was a dumb girl” (Dybek 74) in reference to her decision not to
snitch on John’s neighborhood pranks.  The narrator relays these
thoughts in such a way that we cannot help but assume that they
represent how Mary thinks.  They are innocent thoughts, lacking the
deeper understanding that comes with maturity and experience.

It
is also in Mary’s actions that we see how the innocence of a child
can demonstrate a lack of knowledge or understanding.  It is upon
Mary’s insistence that she and her brother John follow the Palatski
Man through parts unknown and to the wheat field that leads to the
Palatski Man’s shanty town.  John remarks more than once that they
should return home, but it is Mary’s playful attitude and pleading
that keeps the pair going.  It is not until they reach a scarecrow in
the field of wheat, covered in crows, that Mary considers turning
back.  When John and Mary are caught and brought to the Palatski Man,
she accepts the red candy apple and palatski that are offered and
eats them both, finding that the palatski now tastes bitter, whereas
John refuses to bite into either treat.  Later, John says “I tried
to stop you,” and “… it might have been poisoned” (Dybek 81).

While
we as the readers are able to discern Mary’s innocence as a child,
we must ask what purpose it serves.  Why is all the information
important, and when does this loss of innocence occur?  The moment of
loss, as one might imagine, is the culmination of the story.  After
the experience in the Palatski Man’s shanty town, John and Mary
return home and are punished by their parents for arriving home late.
Mary lies in bed “feeling the sad, Sunday-night feeling when the
next Monday is morning and the weekend is dying” (Dybek 81), in
other words not only the end of a day but the end of a period of time
(the weekend).  As she tries to remember her nightly prayer Mary is
interrupted by a vision of Gabriel’s wings.  Gabriel, the messenger
of God referred to as St. Gabriel the Archangel in Catholicism, or
the angel of death, appears before individuals to make important
revelations of the future (“Gabriel”).  Mary’s inability to
remember the prayer suggests that something has occurred to alter her
religious views, and the appearance of Gabriel supports that while
Mary still references the religious teachings of her childhood she
now feels that a change is coming.  The revelation coming from an
“angel of death” signifies that something in Mary’s life is
going to die or come to an end.

When
she is unable to return to sleep Mary hears the wind blow and
approaches her window to look outside.  As she gazes at the moon
behind the branches of a bare tree she sees a vision of the
all-important palatski.  It is then that she hears the bell and looks
down to find the Palatski Man, silent as always, surrounded by a
swirl of leaves from an evening wind and offering Mary what else but
a palatski.  Unlike her past tastes of the wafer and honey treat,
Mary has now tasted the bitter palatski offered to her at the
Palatski Man’s shanty town.  The palatski ceases to represent
something good, as it did before when it brought the church and Holy
Spirit to mind, and becomes something to be wary of.  We as the
readers see that Mary gained new knowledge or understanding based on
her experience and going forward will not tread as lightly.  She
retreats to the mirror in her room (the same mirror in which she
attempted to understand motherhood earlier in the story) and looks at
herself, only this time she no longer sees herself as she did before.
Mary’s physical form changes before her very eyes as a result of
puberty, the physical manifestation of adulthood and maturity.  The
sudden physical growth in front of the mirror is perhaps meant to be
more surreal than realistic in its approach, but it nevertheless
serves as a vivid portrayal of Mary’s cathartic moment of
understandings.

When
Mary hears the wind stop and the bell ring once again she accepts the
changes that will occur.  She has a new understanding of what she is
meant to be, an adult, and at that moment we as the readers
experience the loss of her innocence along with her.  We have
experienced childhood through the eyes of a child, and it is at the
conclusion of the story that the child ceases to be.  It is then when
innocence is lost and newfound knowledge and understanding are
gained.

Works Cited

Dybek, Stuart.  “The Palatski Man.”  Living
Literature: An Introduction to Fiction, Poetry, and Drama.
Ed. John C. Brereton.  New York: Longman, 2007.  71-81.

“Gabriel.”  Wikipedia:  The Free
Encyclopedia.  24 Feb 2008.  Wikimedia
Foundation, Inc.  25 February 2008.
<http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Gabriel&oldid=193668849>.

“Innocence.”  Merriam-Webster
Online Dictionary.  2007-2008.
Merriam-Webster, Incorporated.  25 February 2008.  <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/innocence>.

coincidences

Coincidences are a bitch, aren’t they? We’re so certain, adamant that the world is driven by choice and not some unseen force that causes convenient coincidence. But, things happen, and it seems like choice is sometimes an illusion. We’re meant to be and see that which we don’t expect, and may not even want. And if it were the roses-and-sugar coincidences then it wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s always ironic coincidences.

The universe has a fucked up sense of humor sometimes.

coincidences

Coincidences are a bitch, aren’t they? We’re so certain, adamant that the world is driven by choice and not some unseen force that causes convenient coincidence. But, things happen, and it seems like choice is sometimes an illusion. We’re meant to be and see that which we don’t expect, and may not even want. And if it were the roses-and-sugar coincidences then it wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s always ironic coincidences.

The universe has a fucked up sense of humor sometimes.

QA Lead – EA Games – 2008-2012

Movin’ on up at breakneck speed.

My first six months as a tester at EA quickly led to getting hired full-time as an assistant QA lead. This was the start of a brief but intense period of working on multiple projects at the same time and taking on more and more of a QA lead’s responsibilities. This was also my first time working directly with game producers to keep them appraised of the project’s status and inform them of ways they could help make the QA testing more effective. The projects weren’t the most exciting–Littlest Pet Shop and Nerf N-Strike–but I learned that smaller projects can allow one to have more ownership of the project.

After another six months, I was promoted again to a QA lead and moved to the massive Sims 3 project. It was an entirely new type of game and testing requirements, and at first I was only one of several leads on the project. I eventually took on the main QA lead role for the game’s first expansion and experienced what was likely the most intense period of crunch in my career. I was so exhausted and stressed by the end that I nearly left the company, but EA had an opportunity to work on an entirely different series of games.

My final set of projects at the company were Dead Space 2 and Dead Space 3, games that each had unique expectations. For DS2 I was the lead of the smoke test team, which meant we arrived early in the morning to fire up the latest build and quickly report on build stability. I joined the design QA team during DS3 to assist level designers with specific tasks and to generate progression data that would be used for the game’s checkpoint system.

So much gaming… so many games.

These days I question my devotion to this industry, or at least devotion to the roles I’ve chosen to play. QA lost it’s charm long, long ago, and a return to marketing would be a sad move indeed. “Production, production!” is what they say… but I do not envy what men and women in production must do. Particularly when the project one is assigned to is not the ideal one (nearly every project at a publisher’s mass production level).

It would seem that my gaming has been adversely affected by this morosity towards the industry. I have many games sitting, begging to be played… but I look at them and think “why bother”. I finish one, and there’s another one right below it in the stack. The Halo and GTA releases of the world no longer excite me, and when a game’s impending arrival does have me drooling I quickly realize that it’s yet another game in a long line of similar games. Just another notch on the bed post.

Perhaps my time here is nearly at an end. I’m no programmer. I’m no artist. My “original” game concepts are trite and cliche.

So much gaming… so many games.

These days I question my devotion to this industry, or at least devotion to the roles I’ve chosen to play. QA lost it’s charm long, long ago, and a return to marketing would be a sad move indeed. “Production, production!” is what they say… but I do not envy what men and women in production must do. Particularly when the project one is assigned to is not the ideal one (nearly every project at a publisher’s mass production level).

It would seem that my gaming has been adversely affected by this morosity towards the industry. I have many games sitting, begging to be played… but I look at them and think “why bother”. I finish one, and there’s another one right below it in the stack. The Halo and GTA releases of the world no longer excite me, and when a game’s impending arrival does have me drooling I quickly realize that it’s yet another game in a long line of similar games. Just another notch on the bed post.

Perhaps my time here is nearly at an end. I’m no programmer. I’m no artist. My “original” game concepts are trite and cliche.

The Simpsons Game – EA Games – 2007

A dream fulfilled.

My longtime goal was to work on a video game based on The Simpsons. It began during college, when I studied graphic design and wrote video game guides on the side, including guides for the many Simpsons games released since the show began in 1989. I was already a fan of the show, but this led to an appreciation for the license and the potential that a great Simpsons game could have.

When I started at Vivendi, I felt certain that I’d get an opportunity to work on a Simpsons game there. Their most successful title during that period was The Simpsons Hit & Run, a title which my manager described as, “the game that sold so well it allowed us all to keep our jobs.” How could the company pass up an opportunity to capitalize on that success with a sequel?

Well, nothing is ever certain, as EA Games revealed in 2006. With marketing losing its luster and an  upcoming need for testers to work on that Simpsons game at EA, I decided it was time to leave Los Angeles and move north to the Bay Area. Thanks to friends of friends, my résumé made it to the top of the pile and I received the call to join the team. I even had to explain that I was there to specifically work on their Simpsons project. (Thank goodness for understanding managers.)

The project itself was a whirlwind of quickly stepping into a senior tester role to organize testing for the PlayStation PSP port of the game, meeting lots of new friends, and finally an invitation to fly down for the release party in Hollywood!

Game Queue Part Deux

Well, it’s certainly been a while. I blame work and the billions of other Interweb things that suck up one’s time.

Let’s see what’s on the to-play shelf…

Bully F.E.A.R. (360) Grand Theft Auto Libery City Stories Scarface: The World Is Yours Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude Aliens vs. Predator 2 Half-life 2 (PC) Ground Control II Leisure Suit Larry Collection Joint Task Force Caesar IV Just Cause Family Guy Video Game Metal Arms: Glitch in the System Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem Viewtiful Joe 2 We Love Katamari Okami Van Helsing Devil May Cry 3 Samorost 2 Gish Guitar Hero Out of This World

Currently, I’m on a playthrough of Okami while working on a FAQ for the same game. The game is awesome, and very few other games (Shadow of the Collossus and Riddick come to mind) are as immersive or satisfying as this one has been. And man, the length of this baby is insane. Over 102 hours logged in so far, and I’m only 80% through the game!