Of all the realizations, there’s a big one: my ma is frightened and withdrawn. She cared for us plenty but gave less than two shits about others. Once, as she backed the family van out of the driveway, we saw someone lying on the sidewalk. She told us to ignore it and get in the van. We saw another neighbor coming to investigate as we drove away. It turned out to be a woman who visited from time to time and annoyed my mother. She was too polite to ask her not to visit.

Another time—still during childhood—we were driving in the Impala to visit an uncle. We were on Crenshaw and an old woman approached the car to ask for a ride. She claimed to be lost and appeared quite feeble. My pop agreed to help her and my ma visibly sulked as she squeezed into the bench seat. We drove from street to street searching for the woman’s home. She continually said the next block, the next block. We eventually stumbled across a convalescent hospital and an orderly who explained that the woman suffered from memory loss and had wandered away. We dropped her off and continued to the freeway. My pop encouraged this sort of altruism, but my ma did not want to be involved. She wanted us to keep to ourselves.

“Your mother is an ill-tempered woman,” explained my pop, in Spanish. “It’s difficult to talk to her. She shuts me out. Do you know what I think? Forget it. I go to my room and watch television.” He also spends time in the garage, but he does not see work as an attempt to escape.

I sometimes think that they’re bound for a divorce. It’s inevitable, it has to happen. But I dig deeper into their story and see that despite their stubbornness and bitterness, they compliment one another. My ma requires stability and security so that she isn’t overwhelmed by the outside world, and receives this from my father, who is always working and receives his own comfort from providing for those whom he cares about. In short, they’ve attained a working balance.

Hell, man. Isn’t that something? Just finding a way to fit into someone’s else’s life is difficult enough.