what if vampires are like mosquitoes and only the ladies drink blood
Pretty sure that would mean the fellas drink tree sap or something. Imagine running from a vampire thru the woods and passing her husband who’s biting a tree real hard
Maple syrup vampire husband
Encounter: Maple syrup vampire husband drinking sap in the woods, also trying to lure you to his literally bloodthirsty wife.
The wife has the classic Villain Of The Night aesthetic, all black, flowing cape, everything, and her husband is wearing red flannel, overalls, a beard, and is welding a log-splitting axe
This person gets it! Classic vampire lady and her lumberjack husband!
Pampe escaped her pasture in 2 unprecedented ways this month, and I know she would want me to let everyone know.
First of all I saw her trotting towards the drinking trough the other day and something about her determined ears and the malevolent glint in her eyes didn’t match her wholesome destination, so I stood there watching warily, and—she jumped. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it, the trough is like 1.80m long and full of water and it’s sandwiched between a tree and the fence. It forms a natural moat-like barrier, or so I thought. She just jumped the whole length of it. It’s a long jump!! I heard a splash when her back hoof landed in the water, which would have cost her a few points in a llama show jumping event, but still it was impressive, she just did this:
Fortunately, on the other side of the trough is my neighbour’s pasture and I know he doesn’t mind if my llama occasionally squats it in the winter. Still, I make a big show of being displeased when I find Pampe there by herself, so she continues thinking she’s trespassing. I let her graze for a while then I pretend I’m only just noticing her and I’m like gasp, hands-on-hips “PAMPÉRIGOUSTE!! You know you’re not allowed in here!” and she trots back to her own pasture like hehehe and this way I make sure she doesn’t try another, actually-forbidden pasture farther away.
And secondly—I’d already noticed last month that she had discovered how to use her long neck to go over the gate and fiddle with the latch. You’d think the latch would be safe since it’s outside, but no. She hasn’t figured out how to open it yet, but she knows it holds the secret to freedom. And yesterday I forgot to close the latch and she immediately noticed, because apparently she checks several times a day. I looked out the window and saw her like this:
I figured she’d stay near the house and eat some brambles, I didn’t have time to deal with her right now so I leant out the window and shouted COME BACK then considered I had done my best and went back to what I was doing. But then I went outside half an hour later and Pampe was nowhere to be seen—and there was a big plume of smoke on the horizon. Rationally it could only be a distant neighbour burning green waste, but my first thought was “… what has she done now.” I was fully ready to accept that my problem llama was also an arsonist, and pictured myself haltering her and leading her to someone’s door to make her apologise for setting their barn on fire.
I guess I wouldn’t put it past you to see some crossbars and fence-fixing tools stored in a barn and assume you’re looking at a fence factory, and bomb it.
I know.
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Things about top surgery that I wasn’t aware of going in:
They’ll probably put a breathing tube down your throat after you’re knocked out. You’ll wake up and your throat will hurt (sort of like strep) for a few days after
You need to wear compression tights for a week or two after surgery, they’ll provide them. This is to prevent blood clots since you won’t be moving around a lot
The IV goes in your hand??? They’ll probably numb you first, which is good. But as someone who’s incredibly uncomfortable with medical needles, seeing a needle in my hand was weird
The surgeon will come in before the operation to draw on your chest. They’ll also ask what size you want your nipples to be. You need to tell the surgeon what size you want your nipples to be, don’t be afraid to be specific. These are your nipples.
Anesthesia/surgery will make you EXHAUSTED afterwards. Like “falling asleep if you’re sitting down for more than a few minutes” exhausted
The tightness of the bandage will probably cause most of the pain. Don’t mess with it, the nurse will fix it during the post-op
You will be PARCHED afterwards. You’re going to be IMMENSELY thirsty, drink LOTS of water. I found that sprite is good too, but you’ll want so much water
Part two, recovery edition:
The pain is going to come in waves. You’ll feel fine for hours then as soon as you move you’ll feel like you’ve been stabbed. It’s important to remember that the pain is temporary, but the relief is forever
Trying to sleep comfortably will be weird, because you have to sit propped up
No showers until at least your first week post-op, washing your hair in the sink or having someone to help wash it for you is your best bet
The pain medicine WILL make you sleepy, almost 24/7. Don’t fight the sleep, take naps. Fighting the sleep isn’t fun, taking naps is cozy
You won’t be able to move around much due to pain, so find a favorite show/movie/channel/literally anything you can watch or listen to while stationary
Laying down flat is BAD. Sitting up is GOOD. Sitting in some kind of couch or recliner or bed (while propped up) is BEST
Pick cozy pants that are loose fitting and easy to take off and put on, as well as a button up shirt that’s at LEAST a size or two too big. You’ll thank yourself
Changing dressings will look weird, you need to remember you’re healing. It’s not going to look perfect BECAUSE you are healing, let them heal and they’ll look nice once they’ve finished
Water and herbs are your friend. You HAVE to have a low sodium diet for a long while after, so spicing things up with herbs instead of salt is your best bet. Also water will continue to save you because thirst.
Keep everything you’ll need within like… half a foot away from you. You shouldn’t be reaching for anything
The bandages and tape will itch. It’ll suck. Taking Benadryl is supposed to help, try not to scratch at your bandages or it’ll mess with the scars
The doctors say this a lot but I’ll say it too, stool softeners. Not laxatives, stool softeners. Apparently surgery can cause difficulties with digestion and using the restroom, so better safe than sorry
DO NOT take ibuprofen or anything with ibuprofen in it!!! It can cause bleeding/complications, the doctors WILL give you prescription pain meds and you should take those as instructed. Worse case scenario, Tylenol is your friend.
There will be times when it will hurt even if you’re doing everything right. Your body just had giant stab wounds in it that are now held together by stitches. There’s gonna be pain, it’s gonna suck, but you need to remember that the pain is temporary.
Find a back scratcher. You’ll need the back scratcher. You’ll thank yourself for having the back scratcher.
Do you like blankets? Do you like stuffed animals? Do you like any kind of specific thing that makes you feel cozy? Use it. Let yourself feel cozy, it’s so much easier to feel like you’re recovering when you’re cozy
went to miami to recover father sotirios. and made some new friends.
these animals… they are wise. I recruited them to avenge my dear brother. I was then escorted out of the sea world.
Better than the 1596 Marseille dolphin exorcism I suppose.
In 1596 dolphins were infesting the port of Marseille. Back in those days, y’see, dolphins didn’t have the cuddly image they enjoy today. They were pests and were causing damage.
So the cardinal of Avignon sent the bishop of Cavaillon to do something about them. In front of a huge crowd, the bishop sprinkled some holy water into the waters of the port and told the dolphins to begone. Whereupon the dolphins indeed turned tail in terror and fled, and were never seen again.
Still not as dramatic as Saint Bernard excommunicating the flies though.
What happened to the flies?
Saint Bernard of Clairvaux built a monastery in 1124, but it was plagued by flies. So the good saint promptly excommunicated them. By the next day the flied had died in such quantities that they had to be shoveled out.
Still not as nutty as the Basel rooster trial though.
*everyone in unison* um what rooster trial?
In 1474, a rooster in Basel did the heinous and unspeakable act of laying an egg. As everyone knows, an egg laid by a rooster will hatch into a basilisk (or cockatrice).
So to avoid the creation of a cockatrice (or basilisk), the rooster was tried, found guilty, and burned at the stake along with its egg. A huge crowd was present.
The “rooster” in this case was likely a hen that had developed male characteristics (it happens).
Still not as properly legal as the Savigny pig trial though.
Ok, clearly you want an excuse to talk about the pig thing, and I now DESPERATELY want to hear about the pig thing, so PLEASE tell us about the Pig Thing.
In 1457 a sow killed Jehan Martin, a five-year-old boy in Savigny. For that crime she was put on trial and judged guilty, and sentenced to be hanged from a tree.
Her piglets, however, were judged to have been innocent of the murder, and so were returned to the owner, with the caveat that he had to surrender them to the law if they were later found to have eaten any of the boy.
Not to be confused with a whole bunch of other, similar porcine trials.
I won’t mention the 1454 excommunication of eels in Lake Geneva then.
OK what did the eels do, and more pressingly why were they in communion with the church in the first place
Animals are expected to be part of the Church by default, that’s why they take excommunication so badly.
Felix Hemmerlin’s treatise on exorcism, cited by e.g. Wagner’s Historia Naturalis Helvetiae (1680), informs us that around 1221-1229, eels once infested Lake Geneva in huge numbers. So Saint William, bishop of Lausanne, excommunicated them and banned them from the lake, forcing them to live in only one part of it.
Plot twist: as far as we know, Saint William was never bishop of Lausanne.
There’s no way you have historical Christianity nonsense more silly than this to share
I’ve been trying to stay on brand and talk about animals only, but sure, few intersections of Christianity and the legal system get sillier than…
… the Cadaver Synod.
Pope Formosus (“Good-looking”) was pope from 891 to 896, and apparently accumulated a few enemies. After his successor Boniface VI enjoyed all of a 15-day papacy, the next pope elected was Stephen VI.
And he hated Formosus.
How much? He had the corpse of Formosus exhumed, dressed up in papal vestments, and put on trial for his failings as a pope.
End result? Formosus was found guilty of papal fail. The corpse was stripped of its clothes, three fingers on its right hand were severed (no blessings for u), and it was tied to weights and dumped in the Tiber.
Needless to say Stephen VI came to a sticky end. An angry mob deposed him, he was strangled in prison, and Formosus’s corpse was fished up and reburied with honors. And the later popes passed edicts ensuring this kind of silliness would not happen again.
Tune in next time when I tell you about how a lawyer defended a city’s entire rat population.
Please, the rats, give us the rats, i beg….
The story of the rats of Autun is also the story of Barthelémy de Chasseneuz (or Chassenée, etc.), a highly original and highly talented defense lawyer. That’s him here.
When the town of Autun was infested by rats in the early 1500s, they were accused of eating the province’s barley crop and were duly summoned to be judged in an ecclesiastical court of law. Chasseneuz was the defense attorney.
How do you defend an entire swarm of rats? You don’t, is the answer. You delay. Chasseneuz’s original defense was “my clients live all over the place, one summons won’t be enough”. So he got a court summons to be posted in all the infested parishes.
When the rats didn’t show up after the elapsed time delay, Chasseneuz proceeded to explain at length why. The rats didn’t come to court, he said, because of their enemies the cats, which are everywhere and always vigilant and hungry. “You cannot expect my clients to undertake a journey which would put them in mortal danger”, he argued in complete seriousness. “Thus they have the legal right to turn down a summons that endangers them”.
As far as we know, the rats never did appear in court, and remained unprosecuted.
Chasseneuz went on to have a distinguished career as a lawyer and was allegedly killed by a poisoned bouquet of flowers.
